In this 1-hour season opener, it is a war regarding scuttlebutt: does one trust Gen. Irving R. Binky Hamilton, I Corp., or should one rely on Sparky, the operator and general factotum at Army HQ? Action opens and closes with Hawkeye and BJ watching the enlisted guys dig a latrine (deeper on one side where Frank sits) and swilling gin. In between, Hawkeye starts spinal surgery where his patient cannot be moved for 24 hours. When the official bug-out order is given, everything is packed; Hawkeye is joined by Margaret and Radar in watching over the soldier. But, the next morning, the trio gets ready to leave and they are met by a beautiful sight. Once again, latrine building and gin swilling is a spectator sport. Written by LA-Lawyer

Margaret calls Col. Potter, giggling, from the Zen Bar and Grill in Tokyo. General Trevanian Throwrug Tumwater is hosting a mysterious celebration. Margaret tells Col. Potter she has big news for everyone and all of the medical follow-ups she was assigned to perform are complete. Upon her return to 4077, her big surprise is very personal: she is engaged to be married to a Lt. Colonel Donald Penobscot. She rubs Frank's face in her fiance's attributes with no mercy until even Hawkeye and BJ feel compassion for him. After a wee rampage, Frank gets to talk to someone important, thanks to the foresight of Radar. As Frank tries being human for once in his life, the guys are wary, but they are his wingmen. Finally, one of Frank's cracks to Margaret may have started a new war. Or, in BJ's words: I think the convoy just took a direct hit. It is a rare moment at the 4077 where the 3 doctors share a laugh and are all on the same side, however briefly. Written by LA-Lawyer

Frank's brief stint of camaraderie is over; he is back to being a weasel. He listens to an early a.m. broadcast of a Giants-Dodgers game. A few minutes later, the nurses come calling Hawkeye, the only one who can fix their temperamental gas heater. There is a loud explosion and lots of yelling: Hawkeye has been blinded. Potter asks Radar to call the 121st Evac.; Gen. O'Reilly kicks butts and takes names getting Dr. James Overman for his friend. Overman bandages Hawkeye and promises to return Friday. At the Giants-Dodgers rebroadcast, to which most of the 4077 listens, Frank makes a killing by betting on a Dodgers Cinderella comeback over the Giants with a 3-run homer. This gives Hawkeye a devilish idea how to get even with Frank. On Friday, Dr. Overman is back; either way, Hawkeye says he never spent a more conscious week, relying on his other senses. Will Hawkeye see again with his eyes? How many 4077 personnel will it take to unscrew Frank's wallet from his pants pocket? Written by LA-Lawyer

Master Sergeant Woody Woodruff is in charge of mimeograph at I Corp; he also owes BJ and Hawkeye combined poker debts totalling more than $100.00. He suggests repaying his poker debts in an interesting way. At mail call, Margaret gets a crackling, leather whip from her fiance. Father gets a box of Ritz crackers instead of the requested RC communion wafers. Col. Potter gets two letters, one from his 5-year old granddaughter and one from I Corp: Mama says don't play with ashtrays and Radar O'Reilly is now a 2d Lieutenant. Will Radar like being 2d Louie and not an enlisted NCO? Is the brass always greener on the other side, as BJ says? Radar may find he prefers the merits of forbidden fruit to a military salute. Written by LA-Lawyer

In a pivotal episode, the 4077 is suffering shortages in water and supplies; everyone is hot, cranky and on edge. Margaret is particularly hostile; she and four of her nurses are at each other's throats. One nurse, Lt. Baker, made a rude remark to Hotlips and has been confined to her tent. Margaret is tired of insubordination, snide comments, lies and attitudes she gets from her nurses. The nurses are tired of the lack of trust and the feeling of being ruled, regulated and reported to death by their Head Nurse. Young Mickey Baker was recently married and never had a honeymoon; her new husband suddenly appears at 4077. Lt. Tony Baker (Gregory Harrison) has to rejoin his unit in 24 hours, but he wants to surprise his bride. Tender-hearted Radar brings the issue before the Swamp doctors. An unauthorized, secret and hasty honeymoon is organized for the newlyweds; there is only one tent available and the situation is managed with subterfuge and lies. Margaret, Frank and Colonel Potter are ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Margaret is on late duty; she is relieved by Nurse Able in the wee hours. Klinger is at the end of guard duty as Margaret walks to her tent. Margaret is approached by a young Korean girl who says her mother is in labor. Margaret goes with her about the time Klinger goes to sleep. The following morning, Colonel Potter needs Margaret. Radar scours the camp looking for her--even in the nurse's shower--and he calls the MPs: no one has seen Margaret. Frank grabs a gun and shoots it. Colonel Potter prefers Intelligence: but that does that really mean Col. Flagg (Edward Winter)? Flagg impersonates a Chinese double agent, Ling Chow, in a a comedy of errors. The men and women of the 4077 (and unwanted guest) are shot and hobbling, worried or in the constant state of utter confusion in which one of them keeps himself. Col. Flagg claims to be the Wind? But, has Flagg ever really worked as a showgirl at The Sands, Las Vegas? Written by LA-Lawyer

One of the favorite semi-regulars, healer, Dr. Sidney Freedman, (Allan Arbus) shows up to play poker and ends up staying two weeks at the 4077. Sidney is feeling blue. He writes a letter to a colleague describing his best therapy: a spa where the inmates have an interesting defense against carnage: insanity in the service of health. Sidney discusses his friends and colleagues and their quirks, seeming serenity, hang-ups, strange habits and/or libidinous behavior. During Sidney's visit, there is a secret practical joker in the 4077's midst: no one is too high or low in rank to be exempt. As psychiatrists, both Sidney and Sigmund treat unhealthy, hurt and angry minds; this is a strain on the healthiest of healers and they need an outlet. The 4077 is anger turned sideways and the place where Sidney can take down his pants and slide down the ice. Also, Hawkeye takes a pilot 20,000 feet out of the clouds and shows him the up close and personal results of war on the ground as found in the... Written by LA-Lawyer

Father Mulcahy feels like he wants to do more at the 4077; he continually tells Col. Potter he would like to feel more useful. A chopper brings two wounded soldiers: one is Cpl. Cupcake, a beautiful German Shepherd who tripped a land mine to save his handler partner. Frank operates on the 4-legged hero. Pvt. Danny Fitzsimmons appears in the O.R. with another type of self-inflicted foot wound. Hawkeye asks Father to talk to Danny but the young soldier does not feel like Fr. Mulcahy can relate to him; Father has never been to the front. A front line aid station calls and asks for a jeep and litter to transport a badly wounded soldier. Colonel Potter tells Radar to bring Igor, but Fr. Mulcahy asks Igor to let him go in his place, squarely against Potter's direct orders. When the wounded soldier has trouble breathing, they stop the jeep. Radar has a panic attack and a radio call is made to the 4077. Grenades and sniper fire scream as Hawkeye gives step-by-step directions for a very ... Written by LA-Lawyer

A North Korean surgeon, Dr. Paik, (Soon-Teck Oh) who interned at Cook County in Chicago, is injured and brought to 4077. Paik is very worried one of his men will need his leg amputated; Paik is amazed when he awakens to learn about a new procedure where a graft of the saphenous vein is grafted onto the femoral artery, thus saving the leg. Dr. Paik says he wishes he could stay at 4077, learn and do surgery at the 4077; at POW camp, all of his skills will be wasted. Radar and Sparky arrange for a transfer and with a shave, haircut and eyeglasses, Dr. Paik becomes Capt. Cho Wunho, South Korean surgeon. He is an excellent surgeon and Cho (Paik) performs a procedure Col. Potter read about which Cho (Paik) learned in Chicago. Hotlips is very suspicious and Frank is very jealous. Two North Koreans, one played by Robert Ito, come to 4077 pretending to be allies needing supplies; Cho (Paik) recognizes who and what they are. He warns Klinger and Radar, who try to make it plain to very ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Radar has a 4-day pass and Klinger is the temporary company clerk. Frank is very particularly cranky; he infuriates Potter when he calls Potter old. Korean Army Hospital 426 needs two surgeons and supplies. Frank shoots off his big mouth again when he laughs at the idea of Col. Potter volunteering. A deck of playing cards decides the matter: Hawkeye and Potter pull the low cards, so they are going to the 426. Potter is adamant Hawkeye shall carry his sidearm; BJ fills it with water and brings it to the departing jeep. The 426 is in enemy territory and primitive; Major Choi, (Mako) is the ranking surgeon. Dr. Choi says they do the best they can with the available facilities. The work and hours are grueling; finally, Choi sends the doctors on their way, very grateful for the excellent work... and that they did not bring Ferret Face! On the ride home, Potter and Pierce find Klinger obligingly packed them a bottle. The doctors take on sniper fire and their jeep is hit...so they hit ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Colonel Potter goes to Tokyo to have a second honeymoon with his wife. Unfortunately, while he is gone his horse Sophie becomes sick with colic. Radar then asks Hawkeye and BJ to help cure her before Potter comes back. However, Sophie isn't the only one to fall ill as Margaret's appendix begins to flare up and due to her fears that Frank will botch up her surgery she asks Hawkeye to perform it. Written by Brian Washington [email protected]

Col. Potter does not like Mr. Yee peddling goods from his pushcart on the 4077 base but he gives him an hour to close business and move. Potter asks his superstitious Company Clerk to move the new Spirit Post away from the side of the road. As Radar drags it away, a cyclist collides with Mr. Yee's pushcart and Col. Potter's new lighter stops working. The PA system for the entire camp inextricably goes on the fritz and Frank crushes one of Hotlip's fingers in a clamp. Three new light bulbs sputter and pop in an overhead light; a blood pressure gauge breaks in the middle of surgery. Cpl. Marsh, one of BJ's former patients, is in his care again and then, discharged before Father can replace his St. Christopher medal. The lights all extinguish, the hospital staff continues to drop and fumble things and Margaret reminds everyone it is Friday the 13th. Klinger believes it is the Evil Eye: Igor has not drawn better than 2 pair since Friday!! So, Klinger is wearing a blue bead to ward off ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Hawkeye is becoming obsessed with the youth of the patients he is seeing in O.R.; he calls them babies. Hawkeye starts sleepwalking. On his first jaunt, he meets Klinger on guard duty, calls him Scooter and dribbles a pretend basketball. He tells Scooter about his new tennis shoes and asks Scooter about their new principal, Vanderhaven; he admires Scooter's BB gun. Then, he asks Nurse Able to go to the park and play ball; he returns to The Swamp and tells BJ nobody would play with him. The next day, Hawkeye is tired and totally nonplussed: he has never, ever been a sleepwalker; Potter and the gang (except for Frank) worry about him. In post-op, Hawkeye chats with one of his baby patients about Crabapple Cove. That night, he meets Radar and Klinger while he is sleepwalking; this time, he is playing hopscotch and playing marbles; Radar is Stinky. Scooter and Stinky put Hawkeye to bed. When Hawkeye starts sleeping, he has bad dreams about his childhood pals and from these, he ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Radar takes a correspondence course from Las Vegas Writers' School which Potter thinks is the original shell game, but Radar says he really wants to improve himself. Col. Potter tells him to confine his literary work to a novel and not the Army daily reports. Radar has problems with his LVWS writing assignments because he thinks he needs a wider vocabulary. Frank is very cranky; it is his birthday and no one seems to remember. Frank acts weirder than normal, so BJ devises the perfect, Machiavellian gift...but it may have the power to backfire. Frank is delighted with his gift. Potter tells Radar the first rule of good writing is Be yourself. Klinger is still on Section 8 Highway and his new idea is to threaten public self-immolation... until Potter changes water into gasoline. Frank blames Radar for wrecking Frank's birthday. Writing is safer than Radar's next hobby: magic. Who knows who/what will be next to be wrecked before Radar makes himself disappear? Written by LA-Lawyer

The Swamp Rats are bored right out of their skulls; Frank is over the moon to get a gift: a hand-held box game. Get 14 tiny ball bearings into 14 tiny slots located on the body of a scantily clad girl and win. Hawkeye finds a NY Times crossword puzzle. As they try to save the wounded Chinese POWs in the OR, Father calls out clues, letters and word lengths; Margaret and the doctors help Father fill in some of the answers. The only word they cannot get is 38 Across: five letters, beginning with V meaning bedbug. Hawkeye remembers his old friend, puzzle expert Tippy Brooks, is a doctor on the Carrier Essex in nearby Pusan Harbor. BJ and Hawkeye get Radar to call and leave Tippy a message: they need Tippy desperately and please call them back. Klinger is out, eating a jeep, piece by piece, with 30-W motor oil for dipping sauce. Potter tells Klinger he needs the jeep for a prisoner exchange. Hawkeye chats with Soo Ling, one of his Chinese patients, who thanks him for fixing his scalp ... Written by LA-Lawyer

The 8063 visits the 4077 for the M*A*S*H ping-pong finals; Cho, of the 4077, wins 21-18, to the delight of all but Frank, who bet on the 8063. Lt. Col. Harold Becket is shot in the rear echelon and his old friend, Sherman Potter, is there to give him a hard time and reminisce. Cho introduces his fiancee, Soony, to the Swamp Rats. The guys suggest the couple get married at the 4077, as Soony is an orphan. Ferret Face interviews the bride-to-be to work at the 4077; Radar is there to inject common sense. Cho goes to Seoul to buy Soony a ring. Potter's pal, Becket, is a DC desk jockey, bucking for promotion to full bird colonel; all he needs is 5 more days on the line for his Combat Industry Badge. Potter will be the acting father of the bride. One of Col. Becket's men, Sgt. Blanchard, tells BJ and Hawkeye that Becket's lack of courage and leadership caused massive casualties; the Sgt. thinks he will be court martialed for talking. The doctors know they have to tell Col. Potter. Margaret ... Written by LA-Lawyer

As heroes battle and are wounded in the field, 8063 soldiers fight 4077 soldiers like Zale and Kornhaus at Rosie's Bar; Klinger hides under a table so his dress will not be torn. Radar is excited: Sgt. Billy Tyler, All-American football running back from Iowa, who tied for the Big 10 rushing record, is brought into O.R. with a leg wound. Billy tells Hawkeye if he cannot save his leg, do not save him. To impress Hotlips, Frank orders an illegal fight between Klinger and Zale. Radar feels terrible about Billy: he asks Radar for pills so he can check out permanently. Billy curses at Hawkeye for amputating his leg and the surgeon, for once, cannot even talk to his patient. If the first string is unable to reach the angry young football hero, Radar, the second string, has a different rule book and unique set of plays. Will Klinger and Zale beat up each other or a more deserving party? Is it possible to change the entire concept of how you think about yourself, your future and your life? Written by LA-Lawyer

What will be the latest casualty of war: the ego of Hawkeye Pierce, the engagement of Margaret Houlihan or the fidelity of BJ Hunnicutt? Lt. Carrie Donovan is having marital problems: she received a Dear Jane letter. But, she would rather discuss her problems with BJ than Hawkeye. Poor Margaret is very worried because she has not received a letter from Donald. When she learns her fiancé is in the hospital, she is manic, trying to find out what happened to him. BJ stays out all night and then he wants to write home and confess his sins. Is Hawkeye as good a marriage counsellor as he is a surgeon? Can BJ and Carrie be friends? Will Hotlips have the patience to wait 8 weeks while Donald recovers from a double hernia? Written by LA-Lawyer

An incredibly average doctor in Crabapple Cove is getting all the press; the only other doctor, Hawkeye, is not there to give him any competition. Hawkeye has a very bad back; Father is off his feed and his fingers feel arthritic. An examination of sclera and tongue reveal hepatitis in Father Mulcahy; Potter asks Hawkeye to administer blood tests and gamma globulin to the 4077. Margaret is about to have the mother-in-law from Hell; Hawkeye gives Hotlips the business, but he also shows her some respect. BJ has to do surgery...by the book; he is scared and then elated. Radar is worried about the redness of his blood; Hawkeye tells his friend he should always be proud to be the same great guy from Iowa that arrived and is still serving in Korea. Col. Potter has some very unusual advice on how to cure the back maladies plaguing Hawkeye. Written by LA-Lawyer

Colonel Bidwell (Leonard Stone) of I Corp operations is doctor shopping; he wants the cream of the 4077 crop to be personal physician to three-star General Theodore A. Korshak, (Edward Binns) Commander of I Corp and tamer of the tiger tank. Bidwell wants to see Hawkeye, the least possible GI of all Army doctors, in action. Bidwell watches as Hawkeye wrestles his patient from the grasp of the bastard (death). A GI returning stateside, Cpl. Mulligan (Larry Wilcox) asks Radar to do him a favor: watch over his girl, Mai Ping... and their baby, Lee Chin. Korshak is not a man who takes no for an answer and he thinks Hawkeye is a pistol. Radar finds he likes being a family man. Can Hawkeye handle being chief lackey to a three-star general? Written by LA-Lawyer

There has never been such bickering at the 4077...even Hawkeye and BJ snipe at one another! Father Mulcahy obtains Colonel Potter's favorite 1946 John Ford classic western, My Darling Clementine for 4077 movie night. Everyone, from Private to Major, has gone plumb loco, from all of the hard work and Col. Potter is ecstatic to be able to screen this movie for his crew. Four of the nurses are invited to dinner by Gen. Armistead at I Corp: wine, tablecloths, pilots... a car is being sent to pick them up for dinner. The film is full of splices and keeps going kerflooey so Potter encourages the group to sing Tennessee Waltz while Klinger tries to fix the film. But, Klinger is neither Mr. nor Mrs. Thomas Edison...the film breaks again. This time, Father Mulcahy pounds the ivories with an Army classic: Gee, Ma, I Wanna Go Home. The next 2 film breaks bring impersonations of Father Mulcahy... and a solo by Hotlips. The I Corp driver decides to stay and join the fun. The 4077 is ... Written by LA-Lawyer

Collecting junk is America's favorite past-time; the 8 year old S. Korean boy upon which Hawkeye operates is full of brass because chopper pilot, WO Willie Stratton (and his ilk) hire them to collect scrap metal and brass. Margaret wants her family heirloom returned to her, but Frank refuses to acknowledge she even gave him her father's ruby and gold signet ring. Klinger decides to sit atop the basketball hoop on a power pole in search of Section 8. An Army MP (Brian Dennehy) questions Ferret Face about a priceless S. Korean treasure: an 800 year old celadon vase of the Koryo Dynasty which Corp. Thomas Hinton claims he sold Frank for $27.75. The 8063 CO is promoting tomfoolery: a private did some pole sitting for 94 hours and 18 minutes and has the new record. Potter grumbles about Drake (the CO) who broke the old Camp Grant goldfish record for eating goldfish by eating 23. Potter laughs as he admits he ate 22 and was sick for a week. Then Potter has a light bulb: Klinger is halfway ... Written by LA-Lawyer

The 4077 needs blood, lots of it and then some. All personnel (but Ferret Face) have contributed twice. Naturally, the hospital is slammed; Sgt. Jerris Moody is a black medic who brings them one bus load. Margaret talks in Post Op with a young private who came face to face with a Chinese soldier and lived to tell about it. Klinger donates his hair for a good cause to a GI of Puerto Rican descent. BJ learns all about land mines and booby traps from Herb, a GI whose leg he was forced to amputate. Frank is panic-stricken when a patient of his is unconscious and tries to blame a nurse. Hawkeye tries to cheer up Whitney, a GI who was shot in the rear echelon and is embarrassed. Moody has to fight a bunch of drunk, bigoted GIs who ask him to dance. Colonel Potter figures out Frank's patient was a snakebite victim. Frank is sure his wife, Louise, is back home fooling around. BJ delivers what he considers good news to Sgt. Raymond McGill: he is going stateside. But, McGill does not want to ... Written by LA-Lawyer

A little wave of jealousy ripples through O.R.: Ferret Face heckles Margaret about her absent fiance and their no wedding date engagement. Margaret calls Donald and tells him what Frank said and Lt. Col. Penobscott (Beeson Carroll) rushes to the 4077. He says he wants to talk to Frank. The couple asks Father Mulcahy to marry them and all of the officers are thrilled but, Frank has a case of the runs. The nurses give Margaret a bachelorette party and Klinger crashes, bearing a touching gift. The guys throw Donald's Stag Smoker in The Swamp...all parties are beyond drunk and filled with jocularity. The Swamp Rats want a special surprise for Margaret...but how can they wrap Donald like a present? Margaret is a radiant bride in white, on the arm of Colonel Potter and Klinger is resplendent in lilac; even Hawkeye is clad in his Class A uniform. A helicopter and truck cut the ceremony short. After O.R., the happy couple is put on a helicopter to Tokyo. Margaret is so, so happy, she even ... Written by LA-Lawyer